Tag Archives: travel comedy

Hamburg Episode III: The Shameless Money Spinner

22 Apr

Previously on BBS: A taste of traditional German food and drink left me with a possible a case of food abs, but feeling very satisfied. Now, the long awaited conclusion…

Another advantage of knowing a local when travelling to a new place is you get your own personal tour guide. Especially great is you don’t feel like you have to tip him at the end because you feel bad that his “guide pimp” is taking most of the money to renovate his gold caravan.

With this local knowledge we were able to take a free public transport boat for a tour of the harbor rather than a vastly more expensive (and gold caravan-funding) tour boat. Now I know you’ve come to expect a certain low quality of “wordage” when it comes to my writing about travel-related things. But I have to be serious for just a minute and say that I found the harbor district of Hamburg utterly fascinating.

To be honest, it had me at the Fischbrotchen. These are basically fish sandwiches that come in a variety of styles and are deliciously fresh. However as well as the sandwiches and the tunnel discussed in part one, the Hamburg harbor is the second largest shipping port in Europe. This is difficult to forget as the shipping facilities lie directly across the river from bars, restaurants, shops, houses and even the beach:

It's a unique scene to enjoy a beer if nothing else.

After relaxing, sipping our Weizen and trying to guess which of the shipping crates contained illegal immigrants, it was time to make our way back to the “hipster district” to talk about our Apple products and turn up the legs of our chinos (by which I mean watch a game of football and eat schnitzel).

My last night in Hamburg meant we had to try something different and go out to drink. This groundbreaking decision took us to a few cool bars, but one in particular was run by a man named Klaus.

To put things in perspective, Klaus looked roughly 146 years old and was running the bar by himself. This would be impressive if it was a dingy pub with three regulars and a twirling midget, but this bar was packed with at least 60 rowdy revelers.

The name of the house specialty was a shot with a name that can’t be repeated on this family blog, but I’m told on his more active nights Klaus accompanies your order with a vigorous mime action (eeeeew!). After one of these (without the mime), a few G & Ts and some less-than-impressive dancing, it was time to catch a cab home.

After waking up feeling surprisingly fresh, filling time before my flight involved watching a local amateur football team in an epic struggle against some other team (good detail is good writing). It was highly enjoyable, if only to hear the spectators and club medical staff openly mocking their own injured players (or so I was told by my personal tour guide  translator good friend).

This brings the epic Hamburg trilogy to a close. Watch out for a remastered blu-ray edition in time for Father’s Day, I predict it will sell slightly better than The Matrix trilogy. In the meantime I highly recommend Hamburg as a travel destination for a weekend or a bit longer. Particularly if you like pork, beer, tunnels, shipping, hipsters, venereal disease or any combination of these. I thoroughly enjoyed most of them and will be returning for certain, if only to see Klaus do the mime.

Safe travels, thanks for reading. J

*J traveled as guest of his good friend who kindly offered his living room to sleep in. If any cities or travel companies would like me to bake a fresh batch of soft, fluffy, possibly irrelevant words specifically for their brand, get in touch via this bloggen. I also do roof tiling.

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